


Two Sane Guys Going Shopping

by Chaoskitten



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Case, Denial, First Kiss, Getting Together, Hospital, IKEA, M/M, Pining, Shopping, getting hurt, getting shot, rude language, solving a case
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-07 21:53:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14680230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaoskitten/pseuds/Chaoskitten
Summary: Writte for the DGHDA Beginner BangTodd and Dirk go shopping at IKEA. Of course Dirk just has to stumble over a case, instead of them having a normal shopping trip.But when is life ever normal with Dirk Gently.Beta: embraideryArtwork: http://happinessfordeeppeople.tumblr.com/





	1. Get in loser, we ‘re going shopping

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: embraidery  
> Check out his contribution to the beginnner bang, it's so cute: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/DGHDA_Big_Bang_and_Beginner_Bang_2018/works/14712380
> 
>  
> 
> Artwork: http://happinessfordeeppeople.tumblr.com/ (In chapter 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: embraidery 
> 
> Artwork: http://happinessfordeeppeople.tumblr.com/

It’s no big deal, Todd kept telling himself. It’s just like any other furniture store. No problem.

Only it wasn’t just a normal store. Todd had only been to IKEA once before, after his first college girlfriend insisted they make his dorm room more homey. With all the couples and pregnant women shopping there, it had not been an ideal experience. It had felt like he was supposed to propose to her right there and then, just to fit in with the crowd. So, of course, it was hardly the best place to go shopping with someone who was definitely not your boyfriend.

Now that life was getting back to normal, Todd needed a place to live, but his old apartment was trashed. Todd's first instinct had been to blame that on Dirk. If it weren't for Dirk, the Rowdy 3 would never have wrecked Todd's apartment. Then again, Todd couldn't blame Dirk for wanting to hide from crazy energy-sucking vampires. And it was not Dirk’s fault they had followed him around and wrecked his life. It wouldn't even matter that his apartment was unliveable if it weren't for the fact that none of them had any money after establishing Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency. In the end, Farah suggested that Dirk and Todd move into Todd's apartment. No one had rented it since Todd left it, which was not a surprise, since it looked exactly as the Rowdy 3 had left it. Farah choose to live with Mona, who came with them from Wendimoor. Todd still did not fully understand her, but she spent most of her time with Farah as a piece of furniture, so they made it work. Bottom line was that Todd needed new furniture, electronic devices, cutlery...just about everything that he'd had needed to be replaced. At this point, a month eating take-out from plastic bowls had gotten really old. Dirk kept nagging him about how bad it was for the planet and insisted on reusing the plastic bowls in which their food came  
They were currently driving towards an enormous blue and yellow building with the letters IKEA written on the sides. Dirk had never been shopping for furniture before, as he loudly proclaimed after Todd wanted them to just order some from the internet, so he had insisted they go shopping to finish their shared apartment together. And let’s face it, Todd thought to himself, I just couldn't say no to those eyes and his pout. Totally inappropriate thoughts to have about your best friend, but Todd couldn't help it. Those blue eyes and his adorable smile...and his arms. Having Dirk around him 24/7 didn’t make it any easier to stop obsessing over Dirk, especially since Dirk seemed to have no concept of personal space and boundaries at all. Just the other day Dirk had come out of the bathroom wearing only his bathrobe and hugged Todd as a thank you for making him tea. Todd shook himself out of his thoughts about the past few months and focused on the present: more specifically, his and Dirk’s present. He pulled into the IKEA parking lot, looking for a free spot.  
"This looks so big! Are you sure that is one store?” Dirk asked, looking at the huge building in front of them.

"Yes. You insisted we come here. Didn’t you do some kind of research?" Todd asked, mildly annoyed. It wasn’t Dirk’s fault. Looking for a parking spot in an endless lot of cars always made Todd grumpy.

"Yes, I did! But i never imagined it to be this huge. They didn't exactly take us shopping at Blackwing,” Dirk said matter-of-factly. 

Todd cringed at that. He really didn't like the way Dirk sometimes spoke about those horrible times as if they were just another normal childhood, but he didn't really know how to bring this up. He had never been that good with emotions and feelings and empathy. So he remained silent and kept looking for a free parking spot. After another few minutes, he finally saw a car backing out of a spot. After parking the car, Todd got out and motioned for Dirk to follow him.

"Okay, so they are normally full of people, so please try not to get lost. Promise?"

"Todd, I am offended! When have I ever gotten lost?"

"Oh, forget it. Let’s just get this over with." Now Todd’s annoyance was clear. Dirk looked at him curiously but didn’t comment.

They entered the IKEA and were met with a flood of screaming children. Todd recoiled and stepped into Dirk, who looked delighted at seeing all the kids.

"Todd! You didn't tell me they have a playroom here!" Dirk exclaimed. He strode forward, mind set on joining the queue of parents with children before the smaålland. Todd reflexively grabbed his hand to keep him from running off.

"Stop right there! This is only for children and you are very much not a child, even if you act like one," he chided Dirk.

"But look, they have a ball pit!" Dirk exclaimed.

"Yes. And that is for children under the age of 10." Todd pointed at the sign saying the very same thing. Dirk looked at the sign, then at Todd, and finally caved in.

"Okay, fine. I guess they don't want adults to have fun in here," he pouted.  
At this point, Todd realized he was still holding Dirk by his hand and let go at once. Dirk looked at him funny but didn't comment on it. Instead, he turned around and strode up to the staircase leading into the upper floor of the store. Todd followed at once, pointedly not thinking about the feel of Dirk’s hand in his own. He shook his head to clear those thoughts from it while climbing up the stairs behind Dirk. Just after the stairs there was a lane of shopping carts. Todd moved to get one while Dirk stood looking around. There was a big row of plush toys right in front of him, and Todd could see how Dirk was practically vibrating from excitement. Todd sighed.

"You can pick one," he told Dirk, whose face lit up. Todd sighed at having to be the adult in this because he knew Dirk would buy them all if he was given free rein.

"Thank you, Todd!" Dirk exclaimed, moving up and down the row of plush toys. Finally he chose a big golden labrador plushy and hugged it to his chest. Todd didn't even try to fight the fond smile on his face at that sight.

"Alright, good choice. Put it in the cart, okay?" Dirk hesitantly put his fluffy companion in the big cart. “Don’t look like that. I’m not going to take it away from you.” 

Dirk resisted the urge to stick his tongue out at Todd for this. “Of course you wouldn’t. But just look at it! It’s so fluffy!” He and Todd exchanged smiles. 

 

They moved on to the next section, looking left and right at the exhibition pieces and model apartments. They were looking for a comfortable sofa bed to replace Todd’s old, worn-out model. Dirk had been sleeping on the old one for two months. Todd had seen Dirk wince more than just a few times over the last weeks while stretching to get something from a high shelf. Dirk, of course, insisted that he was fine. Todd almost got up the courage to ask DIrk to just share his bed with him, but he never really went through with it. You did not invite friends to share a bed, that much was sure. And he was not risking that friendship. Todd sighed and gripped the cart’s handle while Dirk tested various couches by laying down on them. 

“This is not working!” Dirk exclaimed, dismayed. He looked at Todd expectantly.

 

“What?” Todd asked, confused.

 

“You need to try them out too. It’s no use if only I get to decide,” Dirk explained.

“You’re the one sleeping on it,” Todd tried to argue. He was cut off when Dirk grabbed him by the wrist and tugged. Todd, not having anticipated this, fell forward at once and landed on top of a startled Dirk. Todd blushed furiously while trying to get into an upright position again. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you fall,” Dirk mumbled, blushing. “But it would really be easier to do this together. I mean, it is your apartment.”

“It’s kinda our apartment,” Todd said. “I mean, we have been living there together for like two months now.” He did not look at Dirk, or he would have seen his look of surprise and joy.

“Well, Todd, in that case, it is even more important that we both enjoy the furniture in our apartment!” Dirk exclaimed. He bounced off to the next section of living room furniture, motioning for Todd to follow him. Todd sighed but obediently followed Dirk and tried the various couches with him. They finally settled on a couch called friheten. The bright orange upholstery made Todd’s eyes hurt, but Dirk loved it, so Todd supposed he could get used to it. Todd jotted down the information on one of the little notepads provided, and they moved on onto the next section. Getting a new TV table and some shelves went smoothly, but bedding and fabrics turned out to be a point of contention.

“Todd! This one would look perfect on the window!” Dirk exclaimed, holding up a bright blue comforter.

Todd sighed. “You know, this is a duvet, not a curtain. Stop making this so difficult, Dirk.”

“But it is very pretty,” Dirk ventured.

“You can have it, but it’s not going to be for any of our windows. We need a real curtain for those, okay?” Todd finally caved in.

Dirk beamed at him. “Thank you, Todd! See, this is why you are my best assis-friend!” He threw the comforter into their cart, jumping up and down in excitement. 

“I should have known you would get excited about a bloody duvet,” Todd chuckled, looking at Dirk fondly.

“It is a very nice one, Todd. It matches your eyes!” Dirk defended himself. He turned around to look for the next piece of fabric to use as curtains, missing Todd’s blush.

Oh, this was a bad idea! I should’ve just let him go with Farah. At this pace, he is going to find out I fancy him, and our friendship will be over. I can’t do that, Todd thought. He watched Dirk fawning over all the colorful fabrics. He shook himself out of it as he saw Dirk coming back to him with fabric rolls in his arms.

“What are you doing with those?” Todd asked.

“Well, since you decided to just stand and stare at me, which, by the way, is really not why we came here, I had to bring those fabrics to you to help me choose the right one for the windows. I mean, the right curtain is very important when furnishing a shared home. What if I choose something you don’t like and you see it every day and you really hate it. And then you start to hate me because I chose those curtains. And then I will end up without my best friend!” Dirk stared at Todd as if this train of thought was the most obvious conclusion. Todd stared back, very confused.

“Dirk, you do know I will tell you if I really can’t stand something, right? And you also know that I could never hate you, especially not over some stupid piece of fabric, right?” Todd looked at Dirk, raising his eyebrows. 

“Well….if you phrase it that way…” Dirk started, but Todd cut him off with a hug.

“You should really know by now that I am staying with you for good,” Todd said, giving Dirk a squeeze.

“Thank you, Todd, that is very comforting,” Dirk mumbled. “I sometimes worry the universe decides differently, though,” he admitted quietly, as though he was afraid the universe might hear him.

Todd just held on and stroked his hair for a bit, but ultimately decided that as nice as holding Dirk was, the looks from the people around them were anything but. He let go of Dirk slowly and looked him in the eyes.

“You okay again?” he asked.

“Yeah, I guess so. Thank you, Todd, I really needed that.” Dirk smiled shyly. “So, back to those fabrics.”

Todd grinned. “Yeah, okay. Show me what you picked out.”

Dirk smiled at him brightly and fished the fabrics out of their cart, where they had fallen in as they were hugging. “Okay, so this one ….” Todd tried to listen to Dirk explain the differences between the brightly coloured fabrics, he really did. But he wound up watching Dirk’s facial expressions instead. “…and this...Todd? Todd, are you listening to me?” Dirk looked put out.

“Yeah, sorry, I was kinda thinking…” Todd admitted guiltily. “But I like this one?” He motioned at the bright yellow fabric with little ice cream cones on it. It reminded him of the first time he met Dirk.

"Great choice, Todd! But I am still offended.. Was daydreaming so important that you couldn’t listen to me?" Dirk enquired.

"Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about you...your enthusiasm...like...you...you’re so excited about the fabrics," Todd stumbled over his words.

Dirk cocked his head, seeming to search Todd’s face for something. Todd jerked his head away.

"Okay, alright..." He said, not seeming convinced. He took the yellow fabric to the cutting counter and left Todd standing there. Todd took the leftover fabrics back to their shelves while mentally berating himself for losing his cool around Dirk. One of these days he is going to notice. Todd finished putting the fabrics away and turned back to Dirk, who had cut their new curtain fabric and was standing by their shopping cart looking kind of subdued.

"Everything alright?" Todd asked him.

"Oh, why, yes! Everything is perfect. Thank you for asking, Todd." Dirk smiled brightly at Todd, but Todd felt that it looked kind of forced.

"Are you sure?" he asked. "Are you mad?"

"No. It is absolutely within your right to not listen to me. I tend to ramble a lot, I have been told," Dirk answered.

"Dirk, I am truly sorry. You know I wasn’t trying to be mean, yeah?” Todd touched Dirk’s arm and counted it as a win that Dirk did not flinch at the touch. I really need to be more thoughtful with this, he thought.

“I know you didn’t mean to, but not listening when one is talking is considered very rude in most parts of the world. I mean, I know I talk a lot. But you said you didn't mind?” Dirk looked at him with big eyes.

“No! I mean, yes! Wait…” Todd looked at Dirk, confused, for a moment, but quickly caught himself. “I mean, of course it doesn’t bother me. I didn't mean to hurt you, okay?”

 

Dirk nodded at that. “Okay Todd, I believe you.”

“Good.” Todd gave Dirk’s hand a quick squeeze for good measure and then strode back to their shopping cart, Dirk following behind.

After that, they strolled a bit through the next section: kitchen counters. Luckily this was about the only thing in Todd’s apartment that didn’t need replacing. But the kitchen appliances and cutlery caught their attention. 

Todd browsed a bit, and read some of the weird names aloud. “‘SMAKSAM.’ That’s a funny name.” 

That got Dirk’s attention again and he turned around. “Why would someone smack Sam. That's such a nice name.” He looked at Todd, confused.

“Oh no, I’m sure it is, but they name their stuff after Swedish words.”

“Oh, okay.” Dirk still didn’t seem fully convinced.

“Let's look for a new set of plates, okay?” Todd asked Dirk, who nodded enthusiastically.

“That would seem like the next logical step, Todd. Eating out of plastic containers has become quite tedious, after all.”

“Yes, right. So what do you think of these?” Todd held up a single brownish plate.

“Well they seem a bit….uninviting?” Dirk looked for the right words “How about these? They seem…nice.” Dirk showed Todd a set of all white plates.

“Wouldn't have pegged you to go for something so normal,” Todd said.

“Yeah, well. I guess having a bit of normality in my life would greatly improve my chances of staying alive sometimes,” Dirk said.

“That seems a tiny bit dramatic to me, but if that is what you want, I can certainly live with them.” Todd moved to put one of the boxes of plates in the cart, but was stopped by almost tripping over a box that seemed to suddenly appear in front of him. “Jesus! Where did that come from?” he exclaimed, catching his fall on a shelf.

Dirk picked up the box from the floor. “Oh!”

“What is it?” Todd looked up at him. Righting himself, he tried to look over Dirk’s shoulder but failed, due to being shorter than Dirk.

“Forget the white ones, Todd. We need these.” Dirk turned around and beamed at him, shoving the box into his arms.

“What? But I thought you wanted…” Todd started, confused. Dirk shouted “hunch” at him before disappearing into the next aisle.


	2. The unfortunate tunnel incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For this chapter the amazing http://happinessfordeeppeople.tumblr.com/ made an awesome comic. Check out her tumblr :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: embraidery 
> 
> Artwork: http://happinessfordeeppeople.tumblr.com/

Todd stood there looking at the plates Dirk had shoved in his hands. “What the fuck, Dirk?” Todd called after him. Dirk didn’t answer. Why is he always running off? It would be much safer waiting for me. Todd took a last look at the strange plates before putting them in their cart. He contemplated not going after Dirk for a total of 5 seconds before abandoning the cart and taking off to search for him.

Dirk, meanwhile, had weaved his way through some aisles following a nonexistent trail and the faint tug in his mind. He stopped in front of a shelf full of the same plates he had found before and took a long look at them. Dirk crouched down and picked something up before standing up again. He cocked his head to the right side, swayed a bit on his feet, turned left and headed down the aisle into the area with the picture frames and lamps, the object still in his left hand.

After some careful navigating between the families blocking the aisles, Todd had almost caught up with Dirk. Naturally, a big family with several strollers suddenly blocked his path.

“God dammit…” Todd uttered, carefully navigating his way through the small children. He rubbed his neck while looking around for Dirk. “Dirk?” Todd called out, looking around.

 

“Todd!” Todd heard a cheerful exclamation right behind him and whirled around to see Dirk standing right in front of him. He tried to take a step back but stumbled. Dirk grabbed Todd just in time to stop him from falling. Pulling Todd back onto his feet brought him into Dirk’s personal space. Dirk didn’t seem to notice. Todd could feel the heat radiating off Dirk’s body and subconsciously leaned in closer for a moment, almost resting his head on Dirk’s chest. That was, of course, the moment Dirk decided to speak again, pulling Todd out of his stupor and forcing him to take a few steps back so he could see Dirk’s face. What was that? I almost snuggled up to him like some lovesick teenager...no, don’t go down that road, Todd! Just listen. It’s no use to analyze that moment. Also, you don’t want to upset Dirk by not listening to him again.…

“Todd! I am so happy I found you! Look what I found!” Dirk beamed and held a small doll in Todd’s face. “It is obviously connected to the plates,” he continued, seeing Todd’s puzzled look.

 

Todd shoved the doll out of his face and fixed Dirk with a stern look. “What did we say about running off? And where did you even get this?” he asked, pointing at the doll, still very near his face. Dirk seemed to sense Todd’s annoyance and tucked the doll back in the pocket of his jacket.

 

“Todd, we finally have a new case!” Dirk held Todd’s shoulders, grinning at him.

 

“What, now you are getting cases out of some lost toy? Why am I still surprised by that?” Todd sounded a bit resigned.

 

“Well, I had a hunch…” Dirk set out to explain but was silenced by Todd holding up his hand.

 

“It’s okay Dirk, I understand. But how about next time you just take me with you? And our shopping cart too?”

 

“Okay, yes, I can do that!” Dirk beamed again, grabbed Todd’s hand and started dragging him after him while talking about how he saw the plates and just knew they were a clue. “...and then I found them all over there! And look, that doll was just laying in front of the shelf. And as I picked it up I just had a hunch to go over there…”

“Into the children's area?” Todd interrupted Dirk’s explanation.

“Yes, Todd, into the children's area. Obviously.”

“But what about our shopping? And the cart is still back where you ditched me. Which I’d like to talk about sometime, because--Hey, could you listen to me?” Todd tried to stop Dirk by tugging on their still joined hands, but without luck. DIrk just grabbed tighter and kept dragging him through the aisles.

 

“Todd, now is not the time for arguing. We have a case!” Dirk turned his head to look at Todd with beaming eyes and narrowly avoided colliding with a steel beam while trying to navigate and look at Todd all at once.  
Todd sighed, but at this point he knew better than to argue with Dirk. So he just nodded and looked at their joined hands. “Alright. You can let go now.”

 

“Oh! Yes! Of course!” Dirk blurted out and dropped Todd’s hand as if he had been burned. Something in his voice seemed on edge, but Todd couldn’t put his finger on it. Before he had time to ask about it, Dirk had already disappeared into the aisles again, so Todd had no other choice but to follow him.

 

“So where are we going?” Todd asked, catching up with Dirk.

“I’m not sure yet, but we will find out eventually. The plates were only the first clue, obviously,” Dirk answered, strictly avoiding Todd’s gaze.

“And what are we looking for now?” Todd tried to get Dirk talking again, shuffling a bit closer and bumping their shoulders together.

“I...I don’t know yet.” Dirk admitted quietly, his shoulders dropping slightly.

“It’s okay, Dirk, I trust you.” Todd tried to sound as reassuring as he could.

They had entered the children's area at this point and Dirk was looking around, a bit lost. Todd contemplated putting his hand on Dirk’s back to offer some comfort, but before he could come to a conclusion, Dirk had already straightened again and was walking around some colourful cushions. Todd dropped his half-raised hand and followed him. Dirk, meanwhile, had stopped in front of a children's tunnel. He crouched down to investigate it better.

“Dirk, what are you...” Todd started, but caught himself mid-sentence. At this point I should really know better than to question what he does, he thought to himself, focusing on Dirk’s exploits.

At this point only Dirk’s butt was sticking out of the little tunnel, and it looked utterly ridiculous. Todd quickly pulled out his phone and took a picture to share with Farah back at the agency.

 

“Do you need help there?” Todd carefully asked in the direction he suspected Dirk's head to be.

 

“Yes, Todd, that would be greatly appreciated. It seems I am stuck.” came a quiet response from inside the tunnel.

 

“Alright, let me just...” Todd crouched down and tried to find the reason why Dirk couldn’t get out of the tunnel anymore, but Dirk kept moving around, trying to free himself. So Todd grabbed Dirk’s hips and held him still.

“Stop moving, god dammit,” he scolded Dirk, who surprisingly listened and held still while Todd tried to get him free. “This isn’t working...” Todd eventually admitted after the third couple passing them had thrown them dirty looks. “Can you stand up? Maybe I can pull it off you?” Todd suggested.

 

“Yes! Splendid idea, Todd. 5 assis points for you!” Dirk replied cheerfully and carefully stood up, tunnel still over his upper body. He swayed a bit on his feet due to not seeing where he was and Todd steadied him with a hand at his hips.

 

“Okay I will try and pull it off, and you try and not fall over, okay?” Todd asked Dirk, who made a vague agreeing sound. Todd moved forward into Dirk’s space and stretched to reach the top of the little tunnel, slowly pulling it upwards. Though the tunnel began to move, Todd still had to move even closer to Dirk and stand on tiptoes to pull it off him. They ended up face to face. Dirk looked at him, perplexed by the sudden freedom from the clutches of the children’s toy, and then smiled. Todd, who was still standing on his tiptoes, just now realized how close together they were standing. But instead of moving away, like his brain screamed at him to do, he smiled at Dirk, who looked at Todd like he had just saved him from a gruesome monster instead of a mere plastic tunnel.

 

“Thank you, Todd!” Dirk exclaimed, still smiling, seemingly unaffected by them standing so close together. The same could not be said about Todd, who desperately tried to keep calm as he felt his cheeks heating. He cleared his throat and finally took a cautious step backwards. They were still standing very close together, but now Dirk had to look down to meet Todd’s eyes.

 

“I, uhm...you’re welcome,” Todd stammered, looking down at his shoes, now blushing in earnest. “But we, uh, the case?” he finished weakly.

“Yes. Right. The case. Look what I found in the tunnel.” Dirk took the bait and showed Todd a small mitten he had found in the tunnel.

 

“Okay, so a doll and a mitten? What are we doing, searching for a lost child?” Todd joked. Dirk’s eyes widened and he took Todd by his shoulders, beaming.

 

“Todd! That's it. Oh, you are amazing!” he exclaimed, hugging him.

Before Todd had enough time to process what was happening Dirk had already let him go again and was yet again going off into a seemingly random direction. If Todd didn’t want to lose him, he had to follow.  
“So we’re looking for some kid? The whole store is full of those, you know.” Todd considered their odds of finding the child in between hundreds of families with children.

“Don’t worry, Todd. The universe will lead me to where I need to be.” Dirk smiled at him confidently while navigating them between the shopping families. They weaved their way through the masses until they arrived at the staircase leading to the upper levels of the store. Dirk stood still abruptly and Todd almost ran into him.

“What now?” Todd asked, slightly confused.

Dirk put a finger on his lips and motioned for Todd to listen. Todd grimaced but stayed silent and tried to find out what Dirk was picking up on. Just as he was ready to remark on how the only thing he could hear was the annoying chatter of all those families shopping around them, Dirk held up one hand and carefully stalked behind the staircase.

Todd debated the social implications of two grown men hiding behind staircases for a moment and then followed him. He ducked his head entering the space under the stairs and headed for Dirk, who was kneeling on the floor in the opposite corner.

 

“Dirk, what...” Todd stopped as he drew nearer and saw that Dirk wasn’t alone on the floor. Dirk turned his head and smiled at Todd.

 

“Ah, Todd. SO glad you joined us. Look, this is Emily,” he said, turning his attention back to the little girl sitting huddled in the dark corner. “Don't worry, he’s my friend.”

 

The little girl looked between Todd and Dirk with scared eyes before giving a tentative nod and scooting a bit to make room for Todd. Careful, as to not startle the obviously scared child, Todd moved slowly closer and settled down besides Dirk. He shot a questioning look at Dirk, but the detective’s attention had already moved back to the little girl.

 

“What’s going on here?” Todd asked in the direction of the child.

“I’m hiding,” the girl replied, defensive. “There were bad men. But I ran away.” She uncurled a little, smiling proudly at her accomplishment.

“Wait, what?” Todd said, shocked, at the same time as Dirk told her “very well done.”

“Oh Todd, do keep up. Emily was chased by bad men because her father is rich and they wanted to kidnap her to get a ransom. Obviously they weren't very professional because they ambushed her in the middle of a store with lots of possible witnesses and they went about it very amateurishly so she got away. Since she knows the store very well, she could get the men off her tail and finally hid under those stairs where we found her,” Dirk explained to Todd.

 

“How do you know all that?” Emily looked at Dirk with big eyes.

 

“He’s psychic,” Todd chimed in.

“I am not psychic!” Dirk exclaimed, looking at Todd, hurt.

Todd held up his palms in a submissive gesture. “Sorry. It was meant as a joke.”

 

“Well, it's not a funny joke,” Dirk snapped at him, focusing back on Emily. Todd squeezed his arm in an apologetic gesture and made a mental note to remove that word from his vocabulary entirely. He really did not mean to hurt Dirk with his thoughtless remarks.

 

“It won’t happen again, sorry,” he replied, subdued, at which Dirk seemed to relax slightly. But the man’s main focus stayed on the little girl in front of them.

“Where are your parents?” Todd asked from behind Dirk, at which Emily shrugged her shoulders and looked at the floor again. Dirk was quick to give Todd a dark look.

 

“Don’t worry, Emily, we will find them. And we will keep you safe.” He stuck out his palm at Emily and the small girl took it after a few seconds of consideration. She let herself be pulled onto her feet, smiling shyly up at Dirk and Todd, who had gotten up too.

They carefully moved out from under the big staircase, Emily's palm still firmly in Dirk’s hand, confident in his ability to protect her. Todd wondered if anyone who’d seen them move under the staircase was now very confused by them having suddenly acquired a child. But as he moved a few paces behind them, he couldn't help but imagine what it would be like if they each had a child someday. He could see Dirk as a great father. Himself not that much, but Dirk just had this natural charm. Emily certainly trusted him instantly. And as Dirk led the way, Emily’s step seemed to gain confidence as Dirk kept chattering at her. Todd supposed that Dirk made her feel very safe. Todd kept a small distance between the both of them, and tried to scan their surroundings for any threat, as Farah had taught them during one very intense week of training. Dirk certainly was too preoccupied to do it himself. And Todd could at least pretend to be useful, after Dirk did all the work again. But as far as Todd was aware, nobody paid them any mind, all of the shoppers around them absorbed in their own doings, too busy to pay any attention to two random guys with a small child. It somehow also made Todd happy that he didn't get any dirty looks from people assuming them to be a couple. He had had enough of that in his youth in the little town where he had lived with his family. No wonder he had tried to compensate for it when going off to uni.

“Todd!” Dirk called out, snapping Todd out of his thoughts.

 

“What is it?” Todd hurried towards them and caught up with Dirk and Emily. Dirk nodded in the direction of Emily, who looked up at Todd with big brown eyes.

“I am tired...” the little girl admitted quietly.

Todd looked at Dirk, confused. “What?”

 

“Well, I obviously can’t take her. I need to keep looking for clues. “

Todd looked between Dirk’s excited face and Emily's pleading look and sighed loudly. “Fine, you can go on my shoulders…” He knelt down and let Dirk set the girl on his back.

“Thank you,” Emily whispered in his hair. Todd smiled and looked at Dirk. “So where to now?”

“We need to find my parents,” Emily chimed in from above Todd’s hair in an know-it-all voice, as if she thought Todd very stupid for even asking this question. Todd looked at Dirk, who smiled widely and nodded enthusiastically at Emily and Todd. Dirk led the way through the seemingly endless aisles, Todd carefully navigating so he would neither hurt Emily nor lose Dirk. He was of half a mind to make a grab for Dirk’s hand, but he didn't.

 

They reached the head office in a matter of minutes and Dirk knocked very politely. They all stood there for a few seconds with nothing happening. Then the door opened in a flurry of motion and the three were met with several angry and agitated faces that quickly morphed into shock and back to anger. They were pulled into the office so quickly that neither Dirk nor Todd could get out any words, and Emily was taken from Todd’s shoulders by a very angry looking man. Dirk and Todd were shoved into a corner of the office.

“Hi, my name is Dirk Gently and this is my assistant--” Dirk stuck out his hand at the man, ignoring his angry expression.

 

“What have you done to my daughter?” the woman who clutched Emily to her started screaming at them. The man still held his finger pointed at Dirk’s chest.

“I’m calling the police!” Another man emerged from behind a big desk in the opposite wall.

“Wait, what? No!” Todd cried out, trying to shove past the man still threatening them.

“It seems there has been some kind of misunderstanding.” DIrk tried to ease the tension. “You see, we were simply...”

 

“Shut up!” growled the man, interrupting Dirk’s attempt to explain their situation. Todd tried to shove past him, but was roughly pushed back into the wall and fell down. Dirk turned away from the threat to check on Todd, big worried eyes checking him for any obvious injury.

 

“You okay?” he whispered.

“Yeah.” Todd nodded and took the offered hand to get up again. He thought about not letting go, just in case they didn't make it out of here unscattered, but before he could come to a conclusion, Dirk strode forward again and he lost the contact of his hand.

 

“Obviously there has been some kind of misunderstanding. Now if you would just…” Dirk made a vague motion with his hands but without any success.

“NO!” came a shrill shout from the other side of the office where Emily seemed to struggle against the hold of the woman. “Let me go Mommy! Daddy is scaring my friends!”

“Honey, what are you talking about?” the woman looked between her daughter and the men in the room.

“They rescued me!” Emily still struggled against her mother.

“Ah yes, that's what I was just about to explain.” Dirk smiled brightly at the people gathered around them, this time succeeding in getting away from the man who seemed to be Emily's father. Dirk looked at Todd, who followed carefully, still aware of the imminent threat of the muscled man watching him. “You see, we found young Emily under some staircase by the kitchenware. She was obviously hiding from a group of men who wanted to kidnap her to get some kind of ransom from you. You seem to be the owners of this establishment, which makes you quite wealthy I assume. They ambushed her somewhere around the toys, I think, and she managed to escape and hid underneath the stairs where we found her.” Dirk’s words were accompanied by excessive hand motions and enthusiastic nodding from Emily.

“And you know all this, because…?” The woman stood up, holding Emily still in her arms, and gazed at them suspiciously.

“I’m a holistic detective, and this is my assistant.” Dirk smiled cheerfully, ignoring the distrustful looks.

“They rescued me!” Emily piped up again. “I was scared, but they brought me back here,” she insisted.

The man, Emily's father, looked at his wife and daughter, and at their nods, he lost his threatening stance and held out his hand. “I am very sorry about this, but you see, with my daughter being lost, and you just turning up with her, I assumed the worst.” he admitted, looking directly into Dirk’s eyes. He motioned for the man behind the desk to put down the phone and gestured for Dirk and Todd to take a seat at the couch opposite the desk. Dirk finally had the chance to explain what had happened in detail, with Emily’s help. Both Emily's parents and what turned out to be the head of security were very apologetic. In the end, Dirk and Todd left with many handshakes and hugs from Emily and a $1000 gift card from her parents.

 

 

 

 

Art by [happinessfordeeppeople](http://happinessfordeeppeople.tumblr.com/)


	3. Just friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: embraidery 
> 
> Artwork: http://happinessfordeeppeople.tumblr.com/

After almost getting arrested for rescuing a small child, Todd wasn’t so sure about their shopping trip anymore. But Dirk insisted they use their reward. “I told you the universe is always looking out for me.” Dirk grinned at Todd.

“Don’t sound so smug about it. That could have ended very badly. I spent enough time in a cell back in Bergsberg.” 

“Oh, don’t be so glum. We solved the case!” Dirk did a little jump forward on the last sentence and Todd smiled absently behind him. 

 

“Alright, alright, you solved the case, yes.” He shook his head, still smiling, and pointed Dirk in the direction in which he remembered leaving their cart.

“Did it!” Dirk whirled around suddenly to face Todd and do his favourite snapping motion. Todd broke out in laughter at seeing Dirk’s ridiculous trademark snap in the midst of an IKEA.

 

“Alright, you win.” Todd shoved Dirk playfully in the chest and then moved past him, leading the way through the aisles. Dirk turned on his heels and followed him. Todd located their former position on a map he had gotten at the entrance and led them both back to the former position of their shopping cart. 

“Ha!” Dirk called out, pointing at their shopping cart, which was indeed still standing exactly where they had left it. 

“Huh.” Todd looked at Dirk, honestly surprised. Dirk just raised an eyebrow at that notion, as if to ask if Todd really still doubted the universe. “So where to now?” Todd asked Dirk, whose stomach growled on cue. Todd laughed at that which made Dirk pout at him.

“You know, they got a restaurant here.” Todd smiled sheepishly at Dirk.

”Really?”

“Yes, we can go there and get some food, if you’d like?” Todd offered, already steering their cart in the direction of said restaurant.

They quickly picked out their respective foods, Dirk seemingly getting a piece of everything. But he looked like he was enjoying himself very much, and Todd couldn't help but wonder how often he had had the opportunity in recent years to pick out all the food he might like. So he just let him be, glad to see him be happy. They paid for their food with the gift card they had gotten and took their trays to a table. Dirk dug into his food with delight, making appreciative noises here and there. Todd ate a bit more carefully and stole a few glances at how happy Dirk looked while eating.

“Oh my god, you have to try this.” Todd looked up from his plate to a fork right in front of his nose with half of one of Dirk’s meatballs.

“Dirk, you know that I got my own food, yeah?” he joked, obediently opening his mouth and letting Dirk feed him. He laughed a bit, gave him a thumbs up, and refocused on his own plate. Soon enough Dirk was holding out his fork again, this time with an assortment of vegetables on it. Todd sighed but let Dirk feed him again, since it made him look so happy.  
This was the moment a young woman suddenly appeared next to their table. Both Dirk and Todd looked at her questioningly.

“Hi. I’m sorry, I just wanted to tell you two what a cute couple you are!” She smiled shyly at them.

Todd’s eyes grew big and he threw a panicked glance at Dirk. “Oh, we...we’re not a couple. We’re just friends. Only friends,” he spluttered, avoiding looking at Dirk, missing the the hurt expression that flashed across Dirk’s face.

The girl’s cheeks grew a bit red at that. “Oh, I’m sorry, I assumed...I’m sorry.” With that, she turned and vanished back into the crowd. 

 

Dirk pushed back his plate. “I’m not hungry anymore,” he declared, standing up. “I’m going to use the restroom.” With that, he was gone, and Todd was left alone at their table, staring at Dirk’s half finished meal. He hadn’t even touched his chocolate cake. 

It was a good 15 minutes before Dirk emerged again. Todd knew because he had been staring at his phone every few seconds, wondering when he would be back. “You alright?” he asked Dirk when he spotted him, looking him up and down to check for possible injury.

“Me? Yes, right as rain. Why? Why wouldn't I be?” Dirk avoided looking Todd in the face, instead busying himself with clearing their table.

“You were gone a really long time.” Todd continued to probe.

“Has no one ever taught you it’s rude to poke in other people’s business?” came the cold reply from the detective.

Todd instinctively took a step back and raised his hands in a defensive gesture. “Sorry, didn't want to intrude or anything.”

“It’s alright, sorry I snapped.” Dirk nodded at Todd, but his voice still seemed somewhat off. Todd didn’t want to start yet another fight and instead helped Dirk clean the rest of their table. They continued their shopping mostly in silence. Todd kept glancing in Dirk’s direction. It worried him that Dirk was being so quiet.

 

“Are you alright?” Todd asked Dirk at one point, shortly before the checkout lane.

“Yes, perfectly fine, Todd. Just thinking,” came the short reply. Todd took one last worried look at him before it was their turn to pay for their shopping. He gave their gift card to the cashier and soon they were on their way to the car.  
They loaded their car and Todd was just about to get into the car to pick up Dirk, who was on his way to bring back their shopping cart, when suddenly all hell broke loose.

Just as Todd started the car, two men with bats suddenly came running down from the parking lot ramps directly at Dirk. Dirk, unaware of the threat, was still pushing the shopping cart. Todd ripped open the drivers door. “Dirk! Behind you!” he shouted at the detective. Dirk turned in his direction, clearly confused. Todd didn't wait to see how the scene unfolded, instead getting back into the car and backing out of their parking spot. Todd could see Dirk running in the opposite direction of the two men in the rearview mirror; he turned the car around in order to follow him.

 

Dirk, meanwhile, had abandoned their former shopping cart and was sprinting into the direction of the IKEA building again. It occurred to him that running away had become quite a big part of his life as of recently. Just as he was sure he would make it back to the safety the building seemed to offer, the door to the workers entrance suddenly opened and another guy with a grim face stepped out. He scanned his surroundings; once he focused on Dirk, he ran towards his prey with a determined expression. 

“Oh, this is bad,” Dirk said, even though there was no one to hear him, and turned left, still running.

 

Todd, meanwhile, had turned around to drive right at Dirk, hoping to get to him before those men would. He reached over to the passenger seat, opening the door, so Dirk could get in as soon as he reached him. Dirk was still running, not daring to look behind him, when suddenly there was a loud bang and pain ripped through his arm. He knew that feeling from his last stunt in Black Wing--they were shooting at him. He fought the urge to stop and succumb to the pain, forcing himself to keep going. He could see their car several yards away and gathered the last of his strength to reach it. The door almost hit him in the face as it swung open. He threw himself into the passenger's seat, howling at the pain it caused him, and barely managed to close the door before Todd turned around the car. They sped away from the black-clad men with guns.

 

“What the hell was that?” Todd asked, hysterical.

 

“Well, obviously, those were the man that tried to kidnap poor Emily,” Dirk replied through gritted teeth. At this Todd finally looked at him for a second and swerved the car, in shock at what he saw. He quickly looked back at the road.

 

“What the hell? Dirk, you’re bleeding! ” 

“Ah, yes. Thanks for pointing out the obvious,” Dirk deadpanned, keeping his hand firmly on the wound to stop the blood flow.

“What happened?” 

“Well, they shot me. Do we really have to analyse this now?”

 

“No, sorry. I...We should go to a hospital,” Todd replied. He looked around for any signs and was surprised to find one directing them to a hospital. He pointed this out to Dirk.

“Yes, well, of course there’s a hospital. The universe may screw with me, but it also looks out for me. It probably knew I would get hurt. I always do somehow.” Dirk leaned back into his seat, defeated, and closed his eyes for the remainder of the short ride.


	4. Two idiots in love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: embraidery 
> 
> Artwork: http://happinessfordeeppeople.tumblr.com/

They arrived at the hospital and Todd supported Dirk as he got out of the car. He walked him to the reception where they got assigned a room right away and were told a doctor would be with them in a moment. Todd helped Dirk sit down at the reclining chair and moved to stand by his side, hovering in case he fainted or needed help.

“You’ve got to stop getting hurt all the time!” Todd scolded him in a worried tone.

“Well it’s not like I go around asking people to shoot at me now, is it, Todd?” Dirk looked at him challengingly.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it!” Todd crossed his arms, looking at Dirk.

 

“Well it’s not my bloody fault the universe sends me dangerous cases sometimes,” Dirk said, defensive.

“No, but…You can't just die on me! You can’t do that to me!” Todd cried out in exasperation.

“We’re just friends, Todd, I am sure you would live,” Dirk snipped at him, imitating his words from back at the restaurant, avoiding Todd’s gaze.

“But I fucking care! I'm in love with you, you idiot.” Todd cried, throwing his arms in the air in despair. Dirk's head snapped around, staring at him in open-mouthed shock. Todd stood frozen in place, arms still in the air as his own words registered in his brain. He was about to open his mouth in a fruitless attempt to take back his words when the door to the examination room swung open and a tall woman in a white doctor’s smock entered the room. Dirk kept staring at Todd, shellshocked. He was only torn from his daze by the doctor repeatedly clearing her throat to get his attention. Todd, too, finally lowered his arms after the doctor sent him a pointed look.

The treatment seemed to fly by in a heartbeat, while Todd furiously stared at the floor. You had to say it. You couldn’t keep your damn mouth shut or just tell him you are worried about him because he is your best friend. No, you had to go on and ruin everything. And now you can’t even look at him. Where is a time machine when you need one?  
Todd's thoughts were running wild in his head. He didn’t even realize that the doctor had finished treating Dirk, until she left the room and the door slammed shut, startling him out of his thoughts and forcing him to finally look up.

“Well…” Dirk started carefully, but he didnt know how to continue, so he left it at that, lost for words for once in his life.

“Look.” Todd’s voice came from Dirk’s left side, sounding timid and unsure, “can we just ignore I said that? Please.” He looked pleadingly at Dirk.

“No…!” Dirk startled, whirling around to really look at Todd, but wincing from the pain this movement caused him. He took a deep breath in order to will away the pain, which Todd took as an opportunity to speak again.

“Please, Dirk,” he interrupted Dirk’s attempt to speak again, “I didn't want to make things awkward between us.” He drew closer as to touch Dirk’s shoulder in a comforting gesture, but his hands dropped again mid-motion as if he hadn't realized what he was about to do and forcefully stopped himself once he did. 

Dirk--of course--noticed the motion nonetheless. He looked at Todd’s face, torn between pain and determination to stand by his decision. He considered his options for a split second before throwing his good arm up, catching hold of Todd’s shirt and pulling him nearer, crashing their lips together. The fact that he was sitting down worked in his favour, because it made them even in heights. Todd, caught completely by surprise, froze for a moment before melting against Dirk’s body. 

Eventually Dirk let go of Todd’s shirt in order to slide his hand behind his back and pull him even closer. But this was the moment Todd’s oxytocin-dazed brain seemed to catch up with what was going on and he abruptly took a step back, out of Dirk’s reach. Dirk looked at him, confused by the feelings he saw on his best friend’s face.

 

“What…?” Dirk started, taken aback by the serious hurt expression on Todd’s face.

“You...you don’t have to do this, Dirk.” Todd’s voice almost wavered and he avoided Dirk’s worried gaze.

 

“Do what? Kiss you? Why not?” Dirk stood up, carefully counterbalancing his bad injured arm.

“You don't have to act like you like me just because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I am a grown man and I can deal with rejection, it’s okay. I know I’m your best friend and you don’t want to lose me and everything. But you don’t have to act like...” Dirk moved in and covered Todd’s mouth with his hand. As Todd tried to move his hand away to keep talking Dirk’s face got serious.

 

“Shut up.” Dirk shushed him again. “Please, shut up and listen.” He looked Todd in the eyes and carefully moved his hand from Todd’s mouth. “I don’t know what has gotten into you. Or what makes you think that I am so desperate to keep a friend that I am willing to resort to sexual favours just to keep you. But you are wrong. You are my best friend. But you are also amazing, brave, honest, caring and, if I may say so, very handsome. I spent the last months trying to show you how much I care for you, and I thought you weren't interested so I never acted on it. But as it turns out you are interested, and so am I. And this seems like a scene out of a bad romance novel, so I would very much like to relocate admitting my undying love to you to another place than an examination room in some hospital.” With that Dirk simply took Todd’s hand, who looked at Dirk in starstruck wonder, and turned to leave the room with him. They left the hospital, still holding hands, neither of them being interested in letting go. Todd finally found his words again.

“I...you…” He closed his mouth again, realizing he simply did not know what to say. He never anticipated Dirk returning his feelings. He planned a million scenarios in his head about Dirk rejecting him, but never dared to think about Dirk reciprocating his feelings. And now here he was, with Dirk, holding hands, and utterly lost for words. He looked at Dirk again, and his gaze was met by a mischievous gleam in the detective's eyes. Before Todd could ask him about it, he was suddenly tugged into a alley beside the hospital and found himself with his back against a wall and Dirk directly in his space, his face hovering just inches from his own.

“Is this okay?” Dirk whispered, their lips almost touching, searching Todd’s eyes for any reservations he might have. It was Todd's turn to be bashful now. He told his brain to shut up and surged upwards, connecting their lips. Dirk instantly reciprocated, leaning into the kiss with delight.Todd kept hold of Dirk’s jacket lapels, as if afraid Dirk would shy away. He angled his body a bit, so Dirk didn't have to lean down as far, standing on his tiptoes now. They kept kissing, having small pauses to catch their breath in between. After several minutes Dirk retreated, instead resting his forehead on Todd’s and smiling at him happily. Todd opened his eyes, realizing he had closed them some time ago, and returned Dirk’s smile.

 

“More than okay...” he whispered, giving Dirk a last peck on the lips before drawing away. “We should get back...to the car…” 

“Ah, yes. Yes, we should,” Dirk agreed, nodding enthusiastically. He took Todd’s hand again and they continued their way to the hospital parking lot side by side.

“You know, you could have told me you were trying to court me.” Todd blushed saying this but kept his gaze on Dirk. Dirk smiled at him and squeezed his hand a little tighter. 

“You could have told me you liked me,” he quipped back at Todd, who blushed even more. Dirk smiled again and leaned in, kissing Todd’s hair, much to Todd’s dismay. He tried to push his hair back into place without letting go of Dirk’s hand. The detective laughed at that, catching Todd’s second hand in his and pulling him into a hug.

“Stop it, you look great,” he whispered into Todd’s ear, which made Todd blush again and hide his face in Dirk’s shoulder. They made their way back to the car and Todd helped Dirk get into the seat without hurting his arm too much. Then he too got into the car and started it, pulling out of the parking space. He tried concentrating on the road but was acutely aware of Dirks presence beside him. Dirk kept sneaking glances at Todd and couldn’t stop grinning like the world was finally right for him. He adjusted his position a bit and grabbed hold of Todd’s hand on the gear shift. Todd looked at him for a short moment and smiled warmly at him. They continued their car ride in companionable silence, both smiling and holding hands. 

 

For once, both of their minds were at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was really a lot of fun to write. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it as well.


End file.
